This summer, I’m moving in with Dan until I move to Pittsburgh in August.
Yes. We are having a test-run of cohabitation. While neither of us have made a huge deal about this situation, I’m sure that the craziness of it is going through both our minds.
It seems like everywhere I go people have opinions on this topic. Last week, I met a girl who is engaged. As her huge ass diamond was sparking literally in my eye (it was sunny), she explained that she refuses to live with her fiancee before the get married because research says that couples who do not live together before marriage more often stay together.
Being the resourceful graduate student that I am (ha!), I decided to do some research myself. One article, found (participants = 1,050) that 43% of couples who cohabited before engagement; 16% of couples who cohabited during their engagement; and 40% of couples after marriage, reported an overall low marital satisfaction and poorer communication. This article also didn’t take into account socioeconomic status, education, geography, age, etc. Other articles I found did indeed say that couples who cohabit before marriage have a less satisfying marriage.
Hmm… These findings really made me think. The conversation I had last week also sparked some ideas too. The girl mentioned that some people who live together before marriage maybe feel “stuck” in their relationship. Therefore if they have problems they feel like they can’t get out of the relationship. If they were dating, it would be easier.
For me, personally, I think that if that’s the case there are other things going on there besides the fact that a couple is cohabiting.
My point of view is: Why be surprised? Personally, I would prefer to know how Dan really is (morning, night, after work, etc) before I make a life-long marital commitment. By this point we know each other pretty well – especially our mannerisms. However, I’m sure I’m missing something and frankly, I don’t want to be surprised one Saturday morning when I wake up and he is drinking directly out of the milk carton (he doesn’t do that… I hope!) or peeing out the window.
Another thing the girl mentioned about moving in together after marriage is that it’s a transitional period. Meaning that by moving in together after marriage, it makes the marriage more important. Like a huge step (which it is!). She said that one of her friends just got married after cohabiting for awhile. She asked her how marriage-life was and her friend replied, “The same as how it’s always been.” I guess that’s the part that I would want to make sure I look at carefully. If Dan and I do cohabit again after this summer and then get married, I would want to make sure there was a huge transitional something happening.
I feel like I’m jumping the gun a little. I mean, we’re not engaged and won’t be for awhile. We both have tons of goals to accomplish before we start thinking about marriage. These are just questions going through my head as I prepare to take the next big step in our relationship. Even if it’s only until August.
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Personally, I’m against it unless you have made the commitment for marriage. My husband and I had been dating 4 years and were engaged 6 months before we moved in together, and the only reason we moved in at that point was because we knew there was a high likelihood that he would have to move away for his intern year immediately after our wedding and we wouldn’t have the opportunity to live together at all until we had been married for 3 or so years! (Fortunately, he matched here for intern year, so we were able to live together for our first year of marriage before he moves away for the rest of residency.) But we never would have moved in together before we were engaged.
Not only does it take away from a change after marriage (literally, after we were married, we returned to the same condo, and being married is absolutely no different than the year we spent living together being engaged, except that now our finances are combined… not that it’s a bad thing — we were happy together being engaged, but I could see how it would be far more exciting to have a big change when you are married), but I have seen three friends now go through a big breakup with a guy they had been dating for 3+ years after they were living together. And then when they break up, who moves out? Suddenly, one person is homeless. Who stays? Who needs to instantly, that night, find couches to sleep on for the rest of the month? If the couple pools their money to stay somewhere which is more expensive than either could afford on their own, how can one person afford to stay their on their own until the lease expires? Who takes the furniture when the other person moves out? I have watched too many friends break down in tears and have to take second jobs to pay the lease on their apartment because of this. I have absolutely no problems with spending every night at someone else’s place, but if you DO break up, and if you aren’t engaged then you haven’t made that life commitment to each other yet, are you going to have an immediate plan for the other person to have a home that very night of the break up? Because surely, if you just go through a breakup, you’re not going to want to be crawling back into the same bed together night after night.
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I personally think that whatever works for the couple is the best thing to do.
My husband and I began living together about 10 months into our relationship, and got engaged about 7 months later. Then, about 3 months before we married we bought our first house. I agree with the sentiment that nothing really changed once we were married – but only in terms of outward appearances. Marriage brings a relationship to a totally new level, and even though nothing has changed in terms of where you live, its the inner transformation that I found important.
Since being married our relationship has become much more deeper and meaningful, as it should. Living together before marriage had no effect on this happening for us. And besides, financially speaking, living together was a very good decision for us anyways, as it allowed us to save enough money to have a house of our own to live in once we were married. Not to mention the fact that neither of us really made that much money when we were dating! So combining incomes early on was just an added benefit.
But, like I said, different things work for different couples. If you want to live together – then do it! If you don’t – then don’t! It’s as simple as that.
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Clearly, this argument can go very reasonably either way. But, here are my thoughts, and here is what we did.
Mr. Smith and I lived together for about a year before we got married – in fact, we moved in together five-ish months before we even got engaged. Part of our reasoning was largely financial – it is EXPENSIVE to have two apartments in the DC area, especially when we hadn’t spent a night apart in about a year. Literally. He had an apartment that he spent TWO NIGHTS IN. For an entire lease. It was such a waste, and his Army housing money stretched so much further once we moved in together.
But even more than that, even before we were engaged, I knew that I would be spending the rest of my life with this man. And I think that it is extremely important to make sure you can live compatibly before making a lifelong, legal commitment. Of course, I feel the same way about sex before marriage – I understand why people wait, but I certainly want to make sure I am sexually compatible with the person I will be spending the rest of my life with! You know?
Anyway. We moved in together, and then we got engaged, and then we moved cross country together, and 2 months later, got married. Were things shockingly different after we got married? No, of course not. We were already used to living together, so being married felt very natural. The thing is, marriage changes many of the little things in a relationship – you KNOW you will be together forever, and can talk freely about the future, having babies, whathaveyou without feeling like the awkward girlfriend. Marriage is more than just sharing a roof and a bank account.
Hmmm. I think all of my thoughts were kinda jumbled up there, but hopefully you get what I’m talking about!
In the end, the decision is up to you and you alone – well, and Dan, of course. But I promise you that, after you live together, and when you get married (I’ll say when, not if!), casual everyday life will primarily stay the same. And to be honest, I don’t think this is a bad thing. It just means that you were just as blissfully happy pre-marriage as you are post-marriage. And isn’t that the most important thing? 
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This is an interesting post, as it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and we do not live together, nor are we engaged. For a long, long time I said I wanted to wait until we were married to live together for many of the reasons you’ve mentioned. Now I find myself softening my stance just a bit and might consider living together if we were engaged. He bought a house last fall and even now, I have fun decorating it, and I want to live there too! Still though, I really value my independence and I like that he doesn’t know all of my secret behaviors…you know, like when I eat hummus and pita for dinner three nights in a row
Of course, most of my friends live/lived with their guy prior to marriage and some think I am crazy for not, but it works for us, and that is what is most important, right?
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Personally, I don’t care what statistics say, I think moving in together before marriage is one of the best things a couple can do. I was raised catholic but I don’t think it’s realistic to wait until marriage to live with someone. I’d feel a bit more “stuck” in the relationship if I was already married and then moved in and realized I can’t stand living with them. Marriage is easy, divorce isn’t.
DC and I lived together for a few months after dating for about a year and a half, and I just moved out about 2 weeks ago. As much as it sucked moving out and everything, we realized it wasn’t working. If we didn’t move in together and waited until marriage (which we both saw in our future) who knows what would have happened. We could have moved in together, realized it didn’t work, and had a whole bigger mess to deal with. I’m not trying to be debbie downer or negative nancy lol, I just think that moving in together opened our eyes to a lot of things and allowed us to both re-evaluate ourselves and our relationship. I’m sure that is what happens with most couples. The re-evaluating could be for the better, or it could be for the worse. Either way I think it’s a great step that will help you guys realize whether or not you can make it together and if your relationship really will work. Go for it!
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I say to each their own. Brian & I didn’t live together before we got married but that was mostly because I graduated high school only a month before our wedding. It was not easy learning to adapt to his routine or for him to adapt to mine. Even 12 years later we still struggle with accepting each others quirks but at least with time the struggle doesn’t seem as important.
However, we both agree that if we did live together before we walked down the isle we definitely wouldn’t have gotten married because we are two totally different people. But since we had already made the committment before God and our families I think we both felt it was more important to work out our issues. I think you will be fine because you aren’t talking about a permanent living arrangement. And I agree, you could always get married and when you return from your honeymoon move into a new home. Then it’s a big transition for both of you!!! Good luck girly!!! XOXO
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The reason “statistics” say that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get married is this:
Couples who won’t live together before marriage also tend to be more religious, and therefore are much less likely to consider divorce, no matter how bad their situation.
/rant.
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I’m a cohabitator…I’ve lived with my boyfriend for two of the four years we’ve been together. I agree with what others have said–the decision to live together pre-marriage is something that is best left to the couple and their individual circumstances (how long they’ve been together, level of commitment, age, maturity level, finances, values, etc.). For us, the decision to move in together meant that we intended to get married and so we had very serious discussions about our future together, including talking about our perspectives regarding money management, religion, and children. We took it very, very seriously.
I personally don’t agree with the idea that because I live with my SO our marriage won’t be a big step. In fact, I think I feel more ready for marriage now than I could have ever felt had we not lived together. We already went through the ‘living together’ adjustment period (not easy no matter how strong your relationship is) and I’m ready to take on the additional commitment of being a wife, not just a girlfriend. I’ll change my name, we’ll combine our finances, buy a house, begin to start thinking about a family….for me, that means marriage is a pretty darn big deal.
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I know this isn’t the same, but my boyfriend and I often spend the entire weekend together, so I have had a chance to see him morning, noon and night, not just out on “dates.” So I know his routines, his cleanliness, his quirks, etc. I definitely don’t think we’ll be living together until we’re at least engaged, mostly because I want to enjoy the time on my own! I think moving in together during engagement is good because who wants to move when you’re getting married or just coming from the honeymoon? Weird!
But I agree, do what you think is best for you and your man.
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In general, I agree that moving in with your boy before marriage isn’t a great idea, not for religious reasons or anything, but just because it seems to cause so many problems later on. That being said, I think trying it out for a summer is a good idea. It’s not permanent, and you’re right, you will get to see what he’s like morning, night etc. I say, go for it!
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Everyone: Thanks for the comments! I feel that this really is an individual decision and I’m seeing that more and more by reading your take on it. I’m happy that we’re trying it out for a temporary period. I think it’s a good opportunity for us! Also, I won’t have the stressor of school during the summer either.
My girlfriend and I are talking about cohabiting for the sake of saving a ton of money(rent, cable/internet, utils) and not wasting the extra apartment which i am never really at anyway. We are far from engaged as well so I can’t help but hesitate over not having a place to go when I need to be alone.
We have agreed on giving it a test run for a few months but I’m thinking we are just gunna say that and if I DO end up wanting to move out after, I think it is really going to hurt her feelings. Not too happy about that.
I think you’re making a great decision! My parents lived together for 2 years before they got married and they are still happy! 29 years together!!
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The bit of commentary that usually accompanies those articles is that couples who live together before marriage often have a higher divorce rate, because they consider divorce to be more acceptable. To me, it seems nonsensical to make the connection between pre-marital cohabitation and whether your marriage will be happy or not. Of course it’s up to the individual. I think it’s something I’ll choose to do, but it’s not something I’ve done yet.
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I think sometimes that if you’re living together it slows down marriage just because there really isn’t a big reason to get married right away. You’ve already got most of what marriage gives you (to most people) other than a ring on your finger. It takes away a little bit of the committment of marriage… but it all depends on who the couple is. Good luck
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I just tagged you on my blog.
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Who cares what the statistics say? Do whatever works best for you both, as a couple. We lived together for a year before we got engaged and it was the best thing we could have done. We actually lived about an hour apart when we started dating and the stress of the semi-long distance was hurting us. After two years of distance, something had to change. We moved in together and rented an apartment. I will say there was no way I was going to buy a home with him until I got the ring. It would be much easier to break a lease. We got used to each others habits and annoying quirks and really got to know each other. Definitely the best decision we made. (We’ve been together since 2002 and married in 2007).
Good luck!!!
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my hubby and I lived together before marriage, right before our engagement. It’s definitely all about the couple. We knew we were going to get married, so why not. I think a lot of people expect things to change dramatically once they get married. Of course if you have lived together first, nothing really changes. Maybe that’s a “let down” to some people, but I think it’s a good thing. I knew what I was getting into
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This is a great post. For me, living with someone before marriage is not something I want to do. I had a friend that was a marriage and family counselor. This is what she studied, and she told me that statistically (as you said) couples who live together before marriage have higher divorce rates.
I also agree that nothing really changes, and the things is, after you get married, you both have this set of expectations of how things should change. But because you already live together, they don’t.
I don’t agree with the whole “moving in to avoid surprises” thing at all. The reason is, you can easily spend a week together, or a weekend, and know all those things, without living with someone. I doubt they have some insanely creepy thing you won’t be able to handle. I don’t know.
I think in the end people are going to do what they want to do, and I’d never ever judge someone for moving in. I think it’s fine. I just think that the odds are against us with marriage as it is, so I don’t want to do anything to increase the odds of divorce, and think an official move in after a marriage would be really fun and exciting!
Let’s keep in mind that I know nothing about nothing
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I lived with my fiance before we got engaged, i wouldn’t say it’s made us “less communicative” or any of that, if anything it helped us learn each other’s quirks, and I think it made us MORE communicative. When you live in small quarters with two dogs…things get tight and life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. Because I was staying with him so much before I moved in, I knew his quirks, it wasn’t much of a surprise to me.
I agree with LiLu that people who tend not to consider it are likely to be more religious. We didn’t move in together for the fact that it was just “convenient” or to “save money” per se (some people do…not that that’s wrong at all), we knew we wanted to get engaged and as my lease was ending, it made sense to go for the gold. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t know I wanted to marry him and knew the feelings were reciprocated.
Good luck – not that you need it i’m sure
I’m sure it will all work out for you! xox
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This is definitely a tricky topic and one that will get people’s feathers ruffled.
Clay and I moved in together last summer after we got engaged. To us- it just made more sense and works for us. In the past year we have already gotten our finances in line and have been able to save thousands of dollars for the wedding by doing so. We have also learned more about each other’s quirks… like how the toothpaste cap goes back on the tube, how the towels are folded, and who replaces the toilet paper when it needs to be (Clay does that
). We’ve had the little disagreements here and there over money and stuff, but I’d rather deal with this now and not after we’re married. We also have the dogs and it would be hard to be away from them, too.
Clay and I are currently renting and before we get married we will purchase a home, so that will be a big transitional “thing.” We love living together though, so hopefully it will work out for y’all too.
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My Dan and I lived together before we got married and I think we have a great relationship. I would also say that we have a unique relationship compared to some of the people we know. We are each others best friend and enjoy spending time together. For some reason, people can’t believe that we carpool to work together and still plan to have lunch everyday with each other as long as our schedules allow. Our anniversary is coming up in a month and I can’t believe that it’s been 8 years!
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I cohabited with a boyfriend for a bit after college. It took me awhile to find a job so I stayed with him. I knew as SOON as I got a job, I’d get an apartment of my own and we’d probably break up soon after… all of which came true.
I don’t think we broke up simply because of the cohabitation situation, we had issues, but I’m certain that living situation further proved to me that we would have to break up.
I’m pretty certain if we stayed together we’d be divorced by now.
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