Coming Clean

by Julie on August 23, 2012

in Deep Thoughts,Healthy Living

It’s about time that I come clean. Not just with you, but myself. For the past year, I haven’t been doing jack about my health. Last year, when I was living in PA, I had a healthy state of mine. I was 10 lbs lighter. My clothes fit perfectly, and most importantly, I was happy. I was doing Bikram Yoga about 4-5 times a week, with a 60-day challenge thrown in there too. I was at my peak. I even gave health advice to others who were struggling and gave them tips on how to be healthy. I ran the Wellness Newsletter at my previous place of employment. I was happy and so incredibly high with self confidence.

Ever since I moved back to Ohio, I’ve had the hardest time getting back into my healthy living groove. I quit going to Bikram because it was way too far for me to drive there every day. I tried to run again, I dabbled in some weight training, and a local yoga studio, but nothing stuck. I wasn’t consistent. I haven’t been consistent for awhile. I have created every excuse in the book for why that is.

My kitchen is too small to cook anything healthy.

I have a coupon to a restaurant so I’m not going to cook tonight.

I can’t afford a membership to any fitness gym/studio.

I’m tired and need to nap.

I had a stressful day.

Blah, blah, blah. BLAH!

I am so sick and tired of telling myself these damn lies!!!! I look at that pitiful list of excuses and I feel ashamed. While the only excuse that is somewhat true is affording a membership, it shouldn’t matter. This is my health I am talking about. Money should not get in the way of me becoming healthy and happy. Last year, when people asked me how I could afford Bikram Yoga, I told them that it was either paying for yoga now or paying for medication later. Staying healthy is preventative and I prefer that to the alternative. Besides, walks are free and it doesn’t cost anything to pick up a set of free weights and do one of my Jillian Michaels videos, both of which I already own!

This is not about how I look or that I’ve gained weight. This is about how I feel. I feel like crap because my clothes don’t fit right. I feel awful that I do not have the same level of fitness I did a year ago. What has happened to me? I miss the old Julie. I miss her so freakin’ much that it hurts sometimes. And yes, I realize I just talked in third person. Whatever.

As I sit here, with tears in my eyes, typing out this post, I really hope that this is it. From this point forward, I am going to stop getting in between myself and who I want to become again. I hope that tomorrow, I will not come up with some lame excuse as to why I didn’t run. Why I didn’t go walking. Or, why I ate unhealthy.

Today, I bought a 10-pass class pass to a new-to-me hot yoga studio. I hope it works out and that I can fall in love with yoga again. And, most importantly, I hope I can fall in love with myself again.

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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Holly August 23, 2012 at 7:58 am

Chin up girl! Reality sucks but don’t be too hard on yourself. Small steps in the right direction. I have to say the culinary scene here in CLE does not help the waistline either! If you are interested in a gym, Planet Fitness is only $11 per month. Also I think there is an Anytime Fitness in Lakewood, those are usually cheap too I believe.

2012 has been pretty crappy health-wise for me too. I know it’s just a phase though. Baby steps!!
Holly´s last [type] ..I Ate Taco Bell And I’m Still Alive

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Crystal @EatDrinkCleveland August 23, 2012 at 7:59 am

Aw – I love you Julie! I have a million excuses too – you are not alone that’s for sure. Don’t beat yourself up – just try to get back in the habit. I never had a habit so it’s even harder for me. I wished you lived closer b/c maybe we could help each other. I need to look good in that wedding dress!
Crystal @EatDrinkCleveland´s last [type] ..Paladar Turns 5

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Bethany @ One Girl's Taste On Life August 23, 2012 at 8:08 am

Oh, Julie! I know exactly how you feel! A couple summers ago, I was at my lowest weight in a decade or two. I felt great, I looked great, I LOVED shopping for clothes because everything looked good on me. Then I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, and got pregnant again, this time resulting in a baby. I put on 70 pounds from the time I got pregnant the first time to the time I had Jake. Now I’m in the process of relosing that weight and gaining the fitness level I had before.

I’m running and trying to work in Zumba when I can. Being a full time working mom and getting in enough me time to make a difference is hard, but I’m worth it! I’m glad to see you are realizing you are worth it too. I agree with the pay for classes now or medication later statement. I would much rather spend 30 minutes today doing something good for me than relying on medication when I’m older.

It’s really too bad I live in Dayton. I would be your running/working out buddy any day! :)
Bethany @ One Girl’s Taste On Life´s last [type] ..Thief

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Jill (Lady Lazarus) August 23, 2012 at 8:08 am

Oh, hon. I know exactly how you feel! Believe me, I know you have it in you to make the right changes. I also look at yoga the same way: I don’t belong to a gym, I run outside where it’s free. Aside from my WW subscription, yoga is the only thing I pay for but it’s well-worth the expense for the good it does for my mind and my body!

What studio did you buy a pass for?
Jill (Lady Lazarus)´s last [type] ..my history with food & disordered eating: part three

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Jannette August 23, 2012 at 8:17 am

Julie! You are not alone with those thoughts. Your words can be encouragement to so many people. I worked with two friends at my present job after our previous company closed and all of us gained a lot of weight. It’s a horrible feeling when you don’t feel like yourself. All of us have spoken your words. Yay for you to take charge!! Go girl!!! PS- I’m pretty impressed you wrote your company wellness letter. :)

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Julianne August 23, 2012 at 8:40 am

You’ve had a lot of changes over the past year, so don’t be so hard on yourself! Sounds like you are getting yourself back on the right track! Try to just focus on one thing at a time – working out, eating better, getting more sleep, etc. Trying to change everything at once can be overwhelming!

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justrealhappy August 23, 2012 at 9:00 am

Girl, I can totally relate. When I was stressing out about quitting my job, I went through a MAJOR depression. It was hard for me to get out of bed or do much of anything because I felt so trapped and sad. I know I gained weight and it wasn’t just because I live with a chef.

Now I did have to quit my gym because quitting my job means I’m on a very tight budget. But I totally feel you girl! There are things I can do that don’t cost money. So I’ve been getting into that. Yesterday I went on the best run ever with the pup and I’ve been doing the 30 Day Shred too. I think at this point, I want to focus not mainly on losing weight…though that would be nice…but being more in tune with how I’m feeling. I know I can do it and you can too! Hang in there, girl. Life is all about navigating the highs and lows.
justrealhappy´s last [type] ..New Stuff

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justrealhappy August 23, 2012 at 9:05 am

Oh and another…I think the first step (this is gonna sound so cliche and silly) is acknowledging the issue. For you to blog about it and be open and honest is so important. I appreciate your vulnerability. You don’t need to be ashamed about it though. We’re here to keep up with your life and encourage you. We love you and want you to feel good about yourself. So thanks for sharing. I think that was good first step for you!
justrealhappy´s last [type] ..New Stuff

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Kimberly August 23, 2012 at 9:16 am

Sometimes the biggest hurdle is just getting out of our own way. You met a great guy, fell in love and are making some big life changes. Sometimes we just get caught up in life. You’ve made an incredible step forward just in this realization. Don’t beat yourself up. Keep on looking forward, girl!
Kimberly´s last [type] ..I’m A Hypocrite

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Becca @ Peace, Love & Bagels August 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

it’s hard not to be so hard on yourself, but right now is the best time to leave yesterday behind you and keep moving forward! in the wise words of Pumbaa, “you gotta put your behind in your past!” :) It’s really easy to let life get in the way of your health, but in my experience – you just have to make it a priority. Priorities constantly change, especially when you have someone else in your life to think about but make sure to schedule time in your day to drive to Bikram or go for a run and don’t let any other plans take the place of your workout time.

You are awesome Julie – no matter how you’re feeling, you always exude this happy, fun-loving attitude and find ways to make other people feel amazing when they’re around you. I know you’ll get through this “bleh” feeling :)

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Blog- The New Black August 23, 2012 at 12:01 pm

We all feel this way sometimes! The good news is that you’ve realized your mistakes and are pushing yourself to do better. So many people are just in denial! What studio did you get the package for? I’d love to go to a class or two if its close. Cheer up- you’re back on track! xoxoxo
Blog- The New Black´s last [type] ..Per usual the weekend was filled with food, fashion, and pretty…

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mindy @ just a one girl revolution. August 23, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Laying it out there and being honest is the first step. You’ll get there, girl. I believe in you!!
mindy @ just a one girl revolution.´s last [type] ..#hls12 sunday.

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Holly August 23, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Came back to add that I will be your running buddy any day. I’m slow so there is no room for embrassment with me either !!! :)

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allison August 23, 2012 at 4:32 pm

My friend come to Inner Bliss with me! I go to the hot yoga normally on Saturday mornings and it’s so worth it! I love the studio and going to learn more moves through the basic flow tonight.
allison´s last [type] ..my most perfect Sunday Funday ever

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Amie August 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm

As you can probably tell from the comments, you aren’t alone in how you are feeling. I am definitely in the same boat. Last year I ran 2 HALF MARATHONS for goodness sakes. I can barely run a mile now and I’ve clearly gained weight. I agree that it’s more about being comfortable in your own skin. I hope that the hot yoga is just what you need to kickstart your healthy living for good this time.
Amie´s last [type] ..A running update

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A August 23, 2012 at 7:16 pm

I feel ya. I have an unlimited yearly membership to Bikram (MUCH cheaper that way!) and all summer long I’ve found excuse after excuse not to go. I think maybe I’ve attended a full 20 classes from June on.

I have started to get a little better with my diet slowly. Cut out my daily bagel habit and I immediately dropped 10 lbs.

I am hoping that when fall is hear and it’s colder and darker earlier I will get back into it.

It’s such a TIME committment too which is the one major drawback with Bikram. By the time I drive there, get there early for a good spot, and sometimes class runs over several hours have gone by!
A´s last [type] ..Sometimes other social workers piss me off

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Julie @ Am I There Yet August 23, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Girl, you got this. When I was at my unhealthiest, I just couldnt get anything to stick. And a very wise person told me, “One day, you will just decide to change.” It sounded weird at the time, but it happened. One day, I just made the decision and that was it, I never looked back. It sounds to me like you have decided. And you’re gonna do it! Can’t wait to hear more!
Julie @ Am I There Yet´s last [type] ..Eighteen miles of pure joy – Who knew?

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Emmie August 23, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Chin up, buttercup! We have all been there (and some of us, more than once!) Adjustment takes time, and when the dust starts settling as it is now, you can pick back up and get into a groove.
Emmie´s last [type] ..OOTD: Boots and Scarf

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Alicia at Poise in Parma August 24, 2012 at 9:08 am

Be easy on yourself! You’ve gone through so many changes this year: a huge move, a new job, forming new relationships. When you’re investing your energy in those areas, it’s understandable that your fitness routine might have had a bump in the road. You’ve acknowledged it, so now it’s time to take action. (& you know I’m always down for a yoga class – let’s make a date!)

p.s. you are fantastic as is.
p.s.s. talk in the 3rd person as much as you’d like :)
Alicia at Poise in Parma´s last [type] ..the sport of fitness: fitting it all in

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Jessica B. August 24, 2012 at 9:21 am

Here is my best workout tip for you. Don’t think about it! Don’t question it. Don’t tell yourself you’ll do it in 5 mins, or after this TV show or after a nap because you won’t. Wake up in the morning put your workout clothes on and go workout. or if you are not a morning person, at lunch sneak out for a quick 30 min walk. Or after work, come home, change your clothes and head out the door. Don’t even think about not working out or anything else you need to do. You will never regret taking the time to workout.
Trust me! Last night I worked late and was starving and needed to go grocery shopping. Skipping a workout would have been a huge help. But I didn’t. I went to the gym, went to the store and went home to make dinner. It was a late night but I don’t regret it.
Jessica B.´s last [type] ..Liver Life Challenge and Running!

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Sana August 24, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Good luck! I know you can do this-we all have to start somewhere!
Sana´s last [type] ..Hardcore Workouts

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alexa - cleveland's a plum August 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

awwwww, buddy – i hope you’re having a better day today. i feel your pain, A LOT – and i had a reset button like you’re about to do a few months ago that has made a world of difference.

you can do it.
alexa – cleveland’s a plum´s last [type] ..Just a Greek family in Canton, Ohio getting ready to eat some lamb…

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Lane (Lane Baldwin Photography) August 28, 2012 at 8:33 am

I love your willingness to be 100% honest on here. So not easy! You’re awesome, and I’m rooting for you! P.S. I totally feel like this a few times a year.
Lane (Lane Baldwin Photography)´s last [type] ..When I Grow Up, I’ll Drink My Coffee Black.

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Stina August 28, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I’m a bit behind on blogs lately so I just read this. A little while ago, I read a post about how healthy living ebbs and flows. I wish I could remember which blog I read it on because it was brilliant, but the basic idea of it was that there will be periods in your life where are your healthiest you and there will be period in your life where you’re not the healthiest version of yourself, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

You’ve gone through a ton of major life transitions in the last year, and it’s totally understandable that your health is a little bit “off-track.” Building new relationships (be they romantic, social, professional, whatever) takes time and energy which might mean less time and energy for healthy living. I think that’s just life. Now that you’ve established some of those relationships, you can start devoting more time and engery to a healthier you, and I have no doubt you’ll be able to get back into the game.
Stina´s last [type] ..Thoughts on Thursday

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Sandor October 20, 2012 at 8:43 am

Wow, your blog sure got a lot of responses! I’m guessing that’s because we ALL can relate. The best thing is that you/we are conscious enough to see what’s going on and then take action (as opposed to just playing the victim to point it’s fully out of control). Proud of you Julie! Here’s to a healthy winter for all of us!

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